A Hilarious Look at 1950s Housewife Expectations
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Chapter 1: Analyzing the 1950s Housewife Ideal
Let's dive into the 1950s housewife archetype, shall we? With a touch of humor, of course.
GEE WIZ, THE 50s WERE A MESS
I stumbled upon an article titled The Good Wife's Guide and felt an uncontrollable urge to critique it. Allegedly hailing from a 1950s textbook, it’s just as shocking as I anticipated. Below, I've shared the text along with my thoughts. Hold on tight; we're diving in!
Have Dinner Ready
Plan in advance, even the night before, to ensure a delightful meal is prepared when he arrives. Most men come home hungry, and a nice meal is part of the warm welcome they expect.
Oh, sweetheart. No thanks, I’ll pass. If dinner is ready when my husband gets home, he’ll miss the chance to witness my nightly culinary spectacle! Picture this: I’m wearing a stained apron, shouting at pots of water to "hurry up and boil," while the kids swarm around me like wild animals, and I shout, "NO SNACKS BEFORE DINNER!" countless times until I contemplate diving headfirst into a pot.
Get Yourself Ready
Take 15 minutes to refresh yourself before he arrives. Touch up your makeup, put a ribbon in your hair, and look your best. He’s just been around tired coworkers, after all. Be cheerful and engaging.
Oh my goodness, this won’t work for me. My evening look features zero makeup, a tangled nest of hair held back with a scrunchie from a "Beer Olympics" event, and pajamas decorated with either Mickey Mouse or coffee and donuts—if I’m feeling fancy.
And as for being "more interesting"? I’ll let him know that the mice are back and our "humane" traps are failing. Guess it’s time for him to visit Home Depot for something more lethal, all while I prepare my signature dish: Penne alla Kristen.
Recipe:
1 box of penne pasta
1 jar of sauce
Combine ingredients and enjoy!
Clear Away the Clutter
Make one last sweep of the main living area just before he arrives, collecting school books, toys, papers, etc. This will help him feel he’s returned to a sanctuary of peace and order.
Sanctuary of peace? I think not! True story: About a month ago, our dining room table became a veritable mountain of junk. When I finally cleared it, my five-year-old looked at the empty surface and asked, "Did we get a new table?" Martha Stewart would weep in my home.
Prepare the Kids
Spend a few moments washing the kids' hands and faces (if they’re small), combing their hair, and changing their clothes if necessary. They’re your little treasures, after all, and he’ll want to see them looking the part.
Little treasures? More like tiny terrors! They’ll look just as mischievous as they are.
Minimize Noise
When he gets home, silence the washer, dryer, and vacuum. Encourage the kids to keep it down. Greet him with a warm smile and show you’re happy to see him.
Not happening! I’ll be blasting Bob Seger while the kids bombard their father with Nerf darts.
Avoid Complaints
Don’t greet him with problems or grievances. If he’s late for dinner, remember that it pales in comparison to whatever he faced that day.
I work too, buddy! Expect complaints laced with colorful language. Count on it!
Make Him Comfortable
Invite him to relax in a cozy chair or suggest he lie down in the bedroom. Have a cool drink ready, fluff his pillow, and offer to remove his shoes. Speak softly and soothingly.
Nice try! The good spot on the couch is mine. I’ve earned it after dealing with the chaos and my wrecked body from childbirth.
Listen to Him
You may have plenty to share, but when he first arrives, let him speak.
When work ends, no adult should utter a word. 5 PM is for collective anxiety spirals—think synchronized swimming, but way sadder.
Make the Evening His
Never complain if he doesn’t take you out for dinner or other outings. Instead, aim to understand his struggles.
Ha! I manage dinner reservations and babysitters. Get your coat; our table at Little Giuseppe’s is waiting! Yep, the one in the strip mall on Route 9. Oh no, the coupon is expired—looks like it’s Applebee's tonight.
The Objective
Strive to create a home where your husband can rejuvenate both body and spirit.
Rejuvenate? A peaceful and orderly home? That’s a myth perpetuated by influencers on TikTok. Our house is a whirlwind of chaos. The moment you think you can breathe, don’t even think about it. Those Nerf balls are coming for you!
I came across The Good Wife's Guide online, but you can also find it here. Some folks argue it’s a fabrication… sue me.
Before I wrap up, here’s one last 1950s rant (because I’m an intellectual!):
After World War II, middle- and upper-class white women in America heavily relied on three categories of prescription drugs: barbiturates for sleep, minor tranquilizers for anxiety, and amphetamines for weight loss and energy boosts. — Erin K Brown
Actually, scratch that rant. Can we bring this one back? I’d prefer to be blissfully high while scrubbing toilets.
DAY IN THE LIFE OF A 1950S HOUSEWIFE
This video offers a humorous glimpse into the daily routine of a 1950s housewife, showcasing the absurdity of the era’s expectations.
I Lived Like A 1950's HOUSEWIFE For 1 WEEK!
Join the journey of someone who embraced the life of a 1950s housewife for a week and the hilarious challenges faced along the way.
