Transformative Benefits of Letting Go of Judgment
Written on
Chapter 1: The Journey Begins
Last week, I shared an article titled “For Lent, I’m giving up judging other people.” This was an unexpected challenge for me, one I hadn't planned to embark on. While at a coffee shop in Memphis, TN, on my way to Arkansas, I found myself reflecting on this significant life transition.
The catalyst for this change occurred on Valentine’s Day, coinciding with the start of Lent, when my boyfriend pointed out my tendency to judge others. Taking his words to heart, I resolved to make a change.
When I discussed this challenge with my therapist, her immediate question was:
What will you replace judgment with?
Finding the answer to this question has been the most rewarding aspect of my journey. Initially, I was uncertain about what would fill the void left by judgment, or how I would redirect my thoughts from critiquing others to something more positive.
As I began to transform my judgmental thoughts into expressions of kindness and grace, several changes unfolded in my life.
Section 1.1: Embracing Grace
One of the first shifts I experienced was the ability to offer grace freely. Without the lens of judgment, I found myself extending mercy and forgiveness to those around me who were simply navigating their own lives.
I realized that instead of condemning others for their choices, I could empathize with their humanity, acknowledging that I too make mistakes.
“Before you judge someone, reflect on your own actions and see if you have committed similar, or even worse, acts.” — Ellen J. Barrier
In the absence of judgment, grace filled that space. I became more willing to give second chances, assumed better intentions from others, and felt a significant reduction in my frustration levels. Bob Goff wisely states, “When love becomes a habit, joy becomes a reflex,” and I believe this applies equally to judgment and grace—when non-judgment becomes a habit, grace follows suit.
Section 1.2: Building Stronger Connections
Choosing to step away from judgment revealed how much it impeded my relationships with others. I often found myself preemptively deciding whether or not I would connect with someone. Recently, I caught myself mentally preparing for a lunch meeting by expecting it to go poorly, simply out of habit.
This mindset echoed a familiar saying: “You can’t be disappointed if you never expect anything good.” I had unknowingly adopted this perspective, and it hindered my ability to connect with others genuinely.
“You never know what struggles someone is facing; every person has a story to share, so instead of judging, strive to listen.” — Charmaine J. Forde
I realized this approach was a defense mechanism, allowing me to shield myself from potential rejection. However, this mindset stifled the possibility of creating meaningful connections.
To my surprise, that lunch meeting turned out wonderfully. By letting go of my preconceived judgments, I was able to see the individual for who they truly are, which led to a rewarding and engaging conversation.
Chapter 2: Finding New Perspectives
Section 2.1: Shifting Focus to Positive Thoughts
By relinquishing the urge to critique everything around me, I redirected my energy towards what truly mattered. This shift allowed me to focus on problem-solving and personal growth.
“Perfectionism is not about self-improvement; it’s fundamentally about seeking approval.” — Brené Brown
Instead of criticizing others, I began to assess my own actions and realized how much time I had wasted on judgment.
“Judgment limits understanding, while analysis fosters insight. The former dismisses and divides, while the latter comprehends and connects.” — Erick “The Black Sheep”
This realization prompted me to concentrate on what I can control, thinking about how I could contribute positively to the world and discerning when it might be appropriate to judge fairly.
Section 2.2: Cultivating Curiosity
I discovered a newfound curiosity, not only about others but also about myself. I began to question why certain actions irritated me and what emotions were at play.
“The ability to question is the foundation of all human progress.” — Indira Gandhi
Richard Schwartz’s Internal Family Systems Theory emphasizes the “Self” — the core of who we are. Understanding this concept is challenging, especially in differentiating between our true selves and our various parts. Curiosity is one of the eight qualities that characterize self-energy.
Letting go of judgment allowed my inherent curiosity to flourish. As I extended grace to others, I naturally became more interested in their experiences.
Understanding someone’s context often diminishes the inclination to judge them.
Section 2.3: Communicating Positively
Criticism is easy, but it earns little respect if not accompanied by effort. As Teddy Roosevelt noted, “It is not the critic who counts... the credit belongs to the person who is actually in the arena.”
“It is a curious habit to look down on others from a place of inferiority.” — Jack Freestone
Sometimes this means expressing when someone’s actions hurt me, while other times it involves celebrating their achievements.
With my newfound curiosity, my assessments of others have become more compassionate and holistic.
Section 2.4: Practicing Self-Kindness
Recently, I shared my challenge with a fellow student, discussing whether being judgmental in our minds is consequential if we don’t vocalize it.
“Self-righteous judgments often mask our own insecurities.” — John Mark Green
I believe that even internal judgments are harmful, as they diminish our perception of others and inflate our egos, leading us to seek validation in unhealthy ways.
Abandoning judgment not only softens my mindset but also allows me to be kinder to myself, granting my own imperfections the compassion they deserve.
This journey has not been flawless, but I’ve never felt closer to others while simultaneously gaining confidence in myself. With each small change, I’ve learned that my worthiness is inherent, and others’ actions do not reflect on me.
Ultimately, I can only control my reactions and strive to love those around me. I’ve realized how much time I wasted judging others and situations that were beyond my control.
Reclaiming that time has been liberating, enabling me to live my life authentically. I hope my experience offers some insights for your own journey.
Kindly, Katie