Chapter 1: A Personal Reflection

Today marks my mother's birthday; she would have celebrated her 85th year.

My mother passed away in 2008, just a week after I turned 36. Her life was filled with sorrow—there’s no other way to describe it. She lost her parents and brother at a young age, and those losses took a toll on her well-being.

In 1999, after she suffered a mild stroke, I stepped in to care for her. It was a challenging time, and despite my reflections, I believe there was little that could have altered her path. During the final years of her life, I felt it was necessary to simply manage her needs. When she passed away peacefully at the age of 69, I must admit it felt like a release—sad but true.

About a year after her death, my father began to experience health problems, which led me to care for him over the next decade until his passing in 2019.

For two decades, I dedicated significant time to supporting my parents. During this period, I worked at a warehouse job from late 1998 until 2016. Unfortunately, my next position was with a group of individuals who were toxic and unkind. After enduring nearly four years there, I knew I had to leave. Selling the family home after my father's death provided me with the financial means to quit that job and prioritize my own mental health.

I remember my last day at that workplace vividly—it was August 7th, 2020. The pandemic amplified my need to escape that toxic environment; I was unwilling to risk my well-being for a job that felt like a nightmare.

I made the decision to sell my collection of musical instruments, which, while not extravagant, were vintage items in excellent condition. During the lockdown, they sold quickly for a good price. This downsizing marked my transition into minimalism, allowing me to fit all my possessions into just two suitcases, two duffle bags, a backpack, and two guitars. When we moved to Mexico, everything we owned fit into a minivan.

Three years ago, I came out to my wife as transgender. Since then, I've grappled with my gender dysphoria and identity, seeking to understand how to alleviate the distress I've felt since childhood—an experience that has disrupted my life since I was four.

During the time I cared for my parents, I lived with them while remaining single. I converted the basement of our family home into a makeshift recording studio and apartment. Initially, I misinterpreted my desire to present as a woman as simply crossdressing, mistakenly thinking that my lack of attraction to men excluded me from being transgender. It wasn't until I recognized that sex, sexual orientation, and gender are distinct concepts that I began to understand my true identity.

What I once thought was merely a desire to crossdress was actually gender dysphoria. Despite my naturally high estrogen levels, I now embrace my identity as a transgender individual. Contrary to what some may believe, I identify as a trans lesbian, which brings a different perspective than simply identifying as a "straight man."

After three years of introspection regarding my mental health, I believe it's time to pursue professional help. I have family dynamics, work-related issues, and gender-related concerns to address, along with the possibility that I may be on the autism spectrum.

There’s much to unpack as I strive to piece together my life. My aspiration is to navigate my remaining years with a healthy mind, body, and spirit. I feel that the time to act is now.

In the video titled "Gender Therapist Talks 4 Main Causes of Gender Dysphoria," the speaker provides insights into the underlying factors contributing to gender dysphoria, shedding light on the complexities surrounding this experience.

The second video, "#60 'I'M TOTALLY OVERWHELMED!'" discusses feelings of being overwhelmed in the context of personal identity and mental health, emphasizing the importance of seeking support.

Chapter 2: Seeking Support

As I continue to navigate these challenges, I recognize the need for professional guidance to help me better understand and address my mental health, family dynamics, and identity issues.