The Urgent Plea from Google

Hello, it’s Google reaching out with an important announcement. Your Google Drive is currently at 93% capacity, and soon you may find yourself unable to send or receive emails or access your files. That’s why we’re earnestly requesting your support through our “Save Your Drive” campaign.

Imagine a time when you could no longer create that essential spreadsheet about your favorite camping destinations, or respond to an email from your book club. The thought is simply unimaginable.

For just $1.99 a month, you can help preserve your important documents.

Think back to that old video of your college improv group. Those joyful faces, the enthusiastic “yes, ands,” and even the awkward chuckles from the audience deserve a second chance. Or consider the Google Form you created six years ago for Rachel’s bachelorette party—you might need it again, right? Just like you, your files deserve a chance to exist.

In return for your kind donation, we’ll send you personalized return address stickers as a token of our gratitude. Though, let’s be honest, you probably won’t use them since everything is done via email nowadays—thanks to us.

You might hesitate to contribute since we reported earnings of $180 billion in 2020. But how do you think we achieved that? By allowing “aspiring writers” like you to clutter their Drives with endless drafts? Certainly not! Okay, fine—most of our revenue comes from ads, but that’s just a minor detail.

Consider this forlorn case: a budget spreadsheet you started and abandoned back in January 2019 when you were determined to finally get your act together. Sure, your financial situation has changed significantly, making those numbers irrelevant, but you might still want that document for inspiration or some other reason.

Just think, for the price of three iced coffees a year, you can save those yearly update emails from Aunt Linda. Look at this one—her kids won first place at their swim meet. Adorable, right? Sure, you’ve “already read it,” but have you considered the value of keeping it forever, even if you never read it again?

And here’s a truly touching example: an email from your ex, complete with photos from your trip to Mexico. Doesn’t that message deserve a chance to remain in your inbox indefinitely, always just a lonely late-night search away?

Please don’t navigate away! We urgently need your assistance. Yes, our company is valued at $2 trillion, but let’s not dwell on that.

Please, think of the files.

What’s that? You plan to delete a few files to free up space instead of donating? Sacrificing a few to save the majority because you “don’t want to contribute a single cent to the third richest company in the world”? What are you, some kind of MONSTER?

Have you no compassion for living beings? Sure, files aren’t human, but your mother is. And one day she won’t be here, and you’ll regret not keeping that article about the feral pigs of San Francisco she once sent you.

Always remember, we at Google are performing a noble service. Yes, we made $426,805 per minute in 2020, but come on! Files are at stake!

Our operators are standing by. And by operators, we mean a link to enter your credit card details so you’ll be charged $1.99 monthly indefinitely, until you forget you ever subscribed for this extra storage. Until, of course, you run out of space one day and we ask you once more.

Please, do the right thing. Contribute a buck ninety-nine. Think of your camping spreadsheet. Think of your improv video. Think of those heartfelt emails from your mom. We implore you. Don’t leave them hanging. We assure you it will be worth every cent.

About the Author

Elizabeth Simone is a comedy writer, cartoonist, and performer based in the Bay Area. Her work has been featured in The Weekly Humorist, The Belladonna, Slackjaw, and Greener Pastures, among others. Her writing has been described as “Hilarious! Not To Be Missed!” by her mother. Follow Elizabeth on Instagram @comic__diary or visit her website at http://www.elizabethsimonecomedy.com/.

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