Finding Self-Worth Through the Journey of Writing and Ink
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Chapter 1: A Young Writer's Quest for Perfection
It might not be surprising to you that penmanship was my favorite class back in elementary school. I longed to achieve flawless curves and loops, meticulously dot every "i," and balance each "t" with precision. Perhaps, for a seven-year-old feeling vulnerable due to fears of the ominous man lurking on the corner or hiding beneath my bed, mastering penmanship was a way to gain control. Maybe I sought validation from my teachers, which was scarce in my chaotic home life. Scared little girls often look for something to hold onto.
As I grew older, my passion for penmanship blossomed into an obsession with stationery. I concealed my true self within the pages of numerous journals, constructing a protective barrier of paper clips around me. The perfect pen always seemed just out of reach, yet I was determined to keep searching. Pens began to pile up in drawers, bags, and on every conceivable surface. I preferred black ink for its mature appeal over the mundane blue, while a few colorful pens lingered for special occasions.
What if I could finally find the ultimate pen? Would that mean I would finally feel whole?
My penchant for collecting writing tools could have been viewed as environmentally irresponsible, but back then, few cared about ecological footprints—except for pioneers like Rachel Carson. Though I adored her book The Sea Around Us, it did little to deter my obsession with pens.
I met my future husband at a resort nestled in the French Alps, but just weeks later, I returned to California solo. Our romantic connection continued through letters—filled with hundreds of lines on countless pieces of paper. He promised to bring his favorite pen when he came to visit months later. Could our shared passion for writing instruments signify a lasting bond?
However, I should have sensed trouble when I discovered he favored a felt tip—oh, the horror! But once he proposed, I felt an overwhelming rush to wed, fearing he might change his mind. Beneath the surface of all the pens, my insecurities were woven into my story.
In the end, years of love, loyalty, and companionship could not bridge our differences. I can’t recall the pen I used to sign the marriage application, lost in joy at that moment, nor the one I used for the divorce papers, which felt like a crushing defeat. What I am sure of is that it wasn’t an ordinary pen—the kind tethered to a counter. It wouldn’t have met my expectations; I always kept my preferred writing tools on hand, ready for any paper that crossed my path.
It wasn’t until later in life that I discovered the beauty of fountain pens, falling for the delicate Japanese fine nib and its slender line. Occasionally, I would opt for a bolder German medium for shimmer effects.
Now, my pen might be filled with eggplant-toned Tranquility or Raise a Glass—a regal purple adorned with subtle green sparkles. I also enjoy Dark Swan in Australian Roses, as I have a soft spot for magentas, and blue Nitrogen, characterized by its brilliant red sheen.
I've experimented with calligraphy too, utilizing vibrant brush pens to embellish titles, dates, and quotes on my favorite ultra-thin Tomoe River paper. The colors of my journal pages shift daily, offering a unique form of color therapy. Blues and greens calm my mind, alleviating stress and anxiety, while reds ignite my motivation and encourage me to rise from my seat.
Most importantly, the lines on the paper narrate a more profound story.
How does transformation occur? I’m not entirely sure. Was it the countless self-help books, the therapy sessions, or my commitment to mindfulness meditation? When did I come to terms with the fact that I needed to stop deceiving myself about my self-worth?
Though I may not have unearthed the perfect pen, I finally embraced my true value.
Occasionally, my inner critic tries to resurface. When she does, I greet her with compassion, informing her that her services are no longer necessary. I am enough, just as I am, and always will be.
This is dedicated to every little girl and woman who has been led to doubt their worth, just like I once did. You are immeasurably valuable, and I hope you come to realize this truth soon.
Thanks to Diana C. for the August prompt: Write about the ink in your pen and the line on your paper.
Chapter 3: Pens and Personality
In this episode of Pencast 139, the discussion centers around the dealbreakers when it comes to fountain pens and addresses the unique challenges faced by those with poor handwriting. It's a fascinating look into how our tools can impact our expression.