Chapter 1: Understanding the Real Issues

Despite my status as someone not currently dating, I've written extensively on the subject for valid reasons. After undergoing a trauma therapy called EMDR three years ago, I broke free from my unhealthy dating patterns, healed from a dissociative disorder, overcame my fear of commitment, and eventually found an amazing partner who enriches my life.

I initially aimed to share my experiences to assist other women, but the more I wrote, the clearer it became: it’s men who often need the guidance.

While I may be a woman creating research-based content about female preferences, I continuously encountered misguided notions from men regarding what women seek in a partner. Common comments claimed that women only desire tall men with impressive physiques and hefty incomes, or that they appreciate relentless pursuit despite clear boundaries. One individual even likened his approach to telemarketing.

If you’re a heterosexual man still reading this without diving into the comment section, let me assure you: these beliefs are not truths; they are merely excuses.

When men convince themselves that their height, wealth, or toughness are the sole barriers to attracting women, they unfairly direct blame at society for their romantic failures. However, if these men were to examine the data, they would see that the power lies with them. A significant survey involving 64,000 women revealed that qualities like kindness, support, intelligence, and confidence are far more desirable than physical appearance or financial status. Moreover, traits such as poor communication, manipulative behavior, and sexism are major turn-offs for women—traits that can be improved upon. Another study indicated that 95% of women find emotional vulnerability in men attractive, yet one in six men still think that expressing emotions diminishes their appeal.

The catch? These findings suggest that men need to invest in self-improvement—often through therapy, which some may view as a threat to their masculinity.

I say this playfully, but the comments I’ve seen imply that seeking psychological help is a daunting prospect for many men. For instance, one commenter noted, "Therapy is essential for psychological issues, and having such issues isn't attractive. If you’re just obsessed with self-help, I'll be looking for the exit."

Another individual expressed a less aggressive but equally misguided opinion: "Only a small percentage of men commit crimes or take their own lives. While I agree they could benefit from mental health support, suggesting everyone should be in therapy is an overreach."

However, seeking therapy often indicates self-awareness, communication skills, confidence, empathy, and motivation—qualities that women find appealing. This is likely why 92% of people prefer dating those who have undergone therapy, and half find it attractive when mental health discussions arise on first dates.

In short, therapy is attractive.

But what if therapy isn’t necessary for everyone? Research suggests that not everyone requires traditional therapy, yet all individuals benefit from mental health support. Unfortunately, many men hesitate to seek help from friends or family.

Instead, they may view dating as a form of free therapy. A survey of 5,000 singles found that 63% of men believe dating helps them improve themselves. However, many women feel overwhelmed and drained by this dynamic, as they are often the ones actively working on their self-improvement while men enjoy the benefits.

You might wonder, “But Maria, isn’t discussing my issues a form of vulnerability?”

Not necessarily. It’s not a woman’s role to guide you toward self-awareness and communication, particularly if she barely knows you. Moreover, venting does not equate to true vulnerability.

When I shared how revealing my trauma helped me find a compatible partner, one man commented about his experience with C-PTSD, noting that discussing his struggles led to a lack of second dates. While I don’t know the complete context, it’s clear that some women still feel uncomfortable with men acknowledging their weaknesses—a reflection of harmful societal norms.

However, there’s a stark difference between saying, “I’m working on this issue,” and, “I’m talking about my problem without any intention of resolving it.”

One significant advantage of therapy is that you have the opportunity to pay someone to listen to you, who can then provide support and strategies for becoming a more confident, self-aware individual.

In conclusion, there are few things more appealing than a man who actively engages in therapy.

I’m currently in the process of publishing my memoir. You can check it out at www.mariacassano.com/numb.

Chapter 2: Embracing Change and Growth